Aaron Tippin says it all. :-)
Some people say that I'm bullheaded. Stubborn. Too confrontational. I admit the first and second. I AM bullheaded and stubborn. Fortunately, I'm also impatient which kinda offsets the bullheaded and stubborn. :-)
But the too-confrontational bit...that almost makes me laugh. I hate confrontations. The thought of a confrontation twists up my guts and makes me want to throw up. I avoid them as much as possible. I've always been that way, and I probably always will. And yet, I guess I must participate in more than my share of confrontation for folks to say that I'm too confrontational. So how does it happen?
Have you ever been involved in a situation where you didn't agree with what was happening? That you thought it was wrong - but not serious enough for you to do anything about it? Or you didn't want to get involved, or the stress just 'wasn't worth it' to confront? So you didn't. You smiled and kept your mouth shut. Or you went somewhere else. You stopped talking, or you just took whatever was being dished out. Yeah, you avoided the confrontation, probably saved yourself some stress, and went on you way. You maybe let it go and it never bothered you again. Or maybe it stewed in you, cropping up at odd moments to bite at you, generating resentment and unhappiness.
Either way, you've chosen how you're dealing with the situation. But what about the next person who has to deal the person you've avoided that confrontation with? Will they be subjected to the same pattern of behavior that you were? If you had stood up to the other person, could you have spared anyone else from the actions and attitudes that you had experienced? And if you could have - wouldn't that have been reason enough to do it?
Oh, sure - most of the time a confrontation, minor or major, doesn't really change anyone's pattern of behavior. People just get mad and nothing changes. But sometimes, sometimes....something does change. Something you say may get through. It may make the other person think and realize that maybe they were wrong, or there may have been a better way to approach a situation.
Don't scoff. It happens. It's happened to me. People have said things to me during a confrontation that initially pissed me off - but which stayed on my mind longer that the temper, which led me to evaluate the actions I'd taken, the things I'd done, from a different perspective and realize that yes - I could have handled things differently. And in the future, I found I did handle it differently. If I'd never had the confrontation, though, I may never have become aware of the behavior that was problematic, and never have changed it. I would have continued to repeat it.
There's also the fact that I firmly believe in standing up for your own opinions and your right to voice them. Silence is often perceived as agreement. But if you think something is wrong, then you have the responsibility to say so. If you don't, who will? Who will protect the people to come after you? Or the people around you now? Oh, and don't give me that 'it's not my responsibility' or 'they can look after themselves.' That's just selfish. People should look after each other - friends and strangers alike.
Some people do the diplomacy thing. In some comfrontations, that's appropriate. But in some - it's just a copout. It's a refusal to acknowledge that a wrong has been done and needs to be recognized. When the diplomacy is the type that assumes all blame, it is doubly wrong because the refusal is compounded with a lie. If you believe you are not wrong, then why the hell say or do anything that suggests that you might be?
In most confrontations, diplomacy allows both parties to work out the differences, and allows both parties to recognize mistakes they made without getting more angry with each other. In most confrontations, diplomacy and it's pal compromise are the best way to go. In most cases.
But sometimes - sometimes you need to take a stand. You need to be blunt, and stubborn, and you need to insist on the right. You might be wrong. But what matters is that you believe you're right. And it doesn't mean you have to argue. You speak your piece, you voice your opinion, you stand up for what you believe - and don't follow anyone into the gutter.
A confrontation isn't a fight or an argument. It's a difference of opinions and/or perceptions. Mature people can have confrontations without causing offense. Confrontations are not always a bad thing. They can be very constructive and beneficial. They clear the air, open the way for new perceptions and viewpoints, offer a chance to blend perspectives and attitudes.
And they still twist my guts into knots, which could be the reason why I'm 'too confrontational.' I want to get the misery over with so I bring the issue to a head and force it into the open. And I feel better about myself for taking my stand. The times in the past when I didn't - I felt worse. My guts weren't twisted, but I felt ashamed. I let myself down, and I let down people who may have needed me to take that stand.
I have friends. I have family. But I am alone. I learned a long time ago not to depend on others to defend me, no matter how much I wish they would. I learned not to expect people to stand beside me in a fight. They won't. I learned that for every one person willing to speak up there are at least 50 people who feel the same way but choose to remain silent.
So let me be 'too confrontational.' Let my voice speak up for those who, for their own reasons, choose to remain silent. Let my guts twist in a knot so someone else can feel that someone cares enough to try to protect them, look out for them.
Let me be me - let me choose what I stand for without making me defend it or feel guilty for having the courage and strength to make a stand. You can handle confrontations the way that best works for you - but please don't criticize or judge or tell me I'm wrong in how I choose to handle them. We all have different priorities and values, and how we handle confrontations is a reflection of that.
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