Miss Independent

Independence is overrated.

It's past midnight, my alarm is going to go off in four and a half hours, and I can't sleep. Tomorrow morning is going to be just wonderful.

I'm depressed tonight, God alone knows why.

So many times, I've listened to people say, "You're so independent, Anna. I think that's great." I don't laugh at them. And I don't cry. I deserve major brownie points for each. Independence, you see, isn't always a choice. Sometimes it's just the hand you're dealt, a consequence of a basic personality aspect that you're either born with or learn to develope. In my case, I think it's both.

My mom tells me that even as a baby I was independent. I didn't want to be held except when I wanted to be held. I was walking at nine months and out of the crib at a year or so because I had started putting myself to bed and falling on my head when I decided I wanted to get up. It was just safer all around to not have me climbing out of the crib. My mom says that she'd get up to take me to bed to find that I was already there and asleep. So even as a toddler, I had that streak. How much of it, though, was nature and how much of it was self-defense? Katie has never been the sharing type, and I can't imagine that at two years old she was happy to have someone else around needing Mom's attention. With Beth soon following... Yeah, I can see how a natural determination to do it myself quickly became a necessary independence.

There's a flip side to independence. There's a price. When you think of an independent woman, you think of someone single, making it on her own, doing what she wants without having to answer to anyone. You think of someone who can move on a moment's notice, wherever she wants to go.

You don't think of the fact that independence is also very, very lonely. In all the world, the independent woman has no one that thinks of her first. Or second, third, or fourth. And independent woman can take care of herself, after all. She doesn't need anyone - and no one needs her.

When there's a death in the family, everyone has someone to comfort them. The daughter of the deceased has her husband. The son has his wife. The spouse has his/her children, siblings, parents. The grandchildren have their spouses. As I learned when my grandfather, and then my uncle, died the independent woman has no one. She's one of the mass and no one gives her a thought, so she turns her attention to taking care of others and saves her tears for later. Those who might comfort her are too caught in their own pain, and are being comforted themselves.

When there's joy in her life, there's no one to share it with. During the holidays, there's no one to make plans with, to share traditions with. Major milestones, proud accomplishments, aren't celebrated because there's no one to celebrate them with. There's no one to think that maybe it would be nice if someone else made an effort to mark the occasion with a celebration of some kind.

Everyone has their family, and their families should come first. That's the way it needs to be. Don't envy the independent woman. You have what she probably wants most.

Independence isn't always a choice. Sometimes it just is. It's hard to be anything but independent when you've never had the opportunity to be anything else. When the sum total of dating opportunities by the time you hit your 30's is just two. The guy who asked you to your senior prom the day before - and who you never knew, during four years of school together, had the slightest interest in you. The guy that worked for your dad and you thought was more interested on getting on his good side than in you. Didn't go to prom for several reasons - most of which I regret now - and wasn't interested in being used.

I'm 32 years old, and I would gladly sacrifice some of this precious independence to know that somewhere in there world there is someone who puts me first. That when I'm grieving, they'll want to comfort me before anyone else. That when I'm happy, they'll want to be there to share it. That when I've accomplished something, they'll want to plan a celebration to show how proud they are of me.

But I want this with someone who loves me for being me. I don't want to revamp my personality just to attract someone. It wouldn't be me then - it would be an artificial personality. How could I be happy with that?

If the future holds what the past has held, then I can look forward to a lifetime of independence. It's a depressing thought. It's a sobering one. It's one that I've come to accept as all but inevitable. I don't want to change myself into something I'm not just to ward off loneliness. If I can't be accepted and loved for who I really am, then so be it. I'll live with being far down on the list of anyone's concerns. I'll take care of myself, prepare to face the difficulties of old age alone, and find some happiness in that. There are, after all, far worse things in life.

I usually like being alone. I'm content with my own company. But sometimes, I wonder... would I have liked being a wife and mother more?

And now it's 3 hours, 45 minutes before the alarm so I'll try to sleep again. Maybe this venting will have purged my mind enough that I can.

You Gotta Stand For Something, Or You'll Fall For Anything...

Aaron Tippin says it all. :-)

Some people say that I'm bullheaded. Stubborn. Too confrontational. I admit the first and second. I AM bullheaded and stubborn. Fortunately, I'm also impatient which kinda offsets the bullheaded and stubborn. :-)

But the too-confrontational bit...that almost makes me laugh. I hate confrontations. The thought of a confrontation twists up my guts and makes me want to throw up. I avoid them as much as possible. I've always been that way, and I probably always will. And yet, I guess I must participate in more than my share of confrontation for folks to say that I'm too confrontational. So how does it happen?

Have you ever been involved in a situation where you didn't agree with what was happening? That you thought it was wrong - but not serious enough for you to do anything about it? Or you didn't want to get involved, or the stress just 'wasn't worth it' to confront? So you didn't. You smiled and kept your mouth shut. Or you went somewhere else. You stopped talking, or you just took whatever was being dished out. Yeah, you avoided the confrontation, probably saved yourself some stress, and went on you way. You maybe let it go and it never bothered you again. Or maybe it stewed in you, cropping up at odd moments to bite at you, generating resentment and unhappiness.

Either way, you've chosen how you're dealing with the situation. But what about the next person who has to deal the person you've avoided that confrontation with? Will they be subjected to the same pattern of behavior that you were? If you had stood up to the other person, could you have spared anyone else from the actions and attitudes that you had experienced? And if you could have - wouldn't that have been reason enough to do it?

Oh, sure - most of the time a confrontation, minor or major, doesn't really change anyone's pattern of behavior. People just get mad and nothing changes. But sometimes, sometimes....something does change. Something you say may get through. It may make the other person think and realize that maybe they were wrong, or there may have been a better way to approach a situation.

Don't scoff. It happens. It's happened to me. People have said things to me during a confrontation that initially pissed me off - but which stayed on my mind longer that the temper, which led me to evaluate the actions I'd taken, the things I'd done, from a different perspective and realize that yes - I could have handled things differently. And in the future, I found I did handle it differently. If I'd never had the confrontation, though, I may never have become aware of the behavior that was problematic, and never have changed it. I would have continued to repeat it.

There's also the fact that I firmly believe in standing up for your own opinions and your right to voice them. Silence is often perceived as agreement. But if you think something is wrong, then you have the responsibility to say so. If you don't, who will? Who will protect the people to come after you? Or the people around you now? Oh, and don't give me that 'it's not my responsibility' or 'they can look after themselves.' That's just selfish. People should look after each other - friends and strangers alike.

Some people do the diplomacy thing. In some comfrontations, that's appropriate. But in some - it's just a copout. It's a refusal to acknowledge that a wrong has been done and needs to be recognized. When the diplomacy is the type that assumes all blame, it is doubly wrong because the refusal is compounded with a lie. If you believe you are not wrong, then why the hell say or do anything that suggests that you might be?

In most confrontations, diplomacy allows both parties to work out the differences, and allows both parties to recognize mistakes they made without getting more angry with each other. In most confrontations, diplomacy and it's pal compromise are the best way to go. In most cases.

But sometimes - sometimes you need to take a stand. You need to be blunt, and stubborn, and you need to insist on the right. You might be wrong. But what matters is that you believe you're right. And it doesn't mean you have to argue. You speak your piece, you voice your opinion, you stand up for what you believe - and don't follow anyone into the gutter.

A confrontation isn't a fight or an argument. It's a difference of opinions and/or perceptions. Mature people can have confrontations without causing offense. Confrontations are not always a bad thing. They can be very constructive and beneficial. They clear the air, open the way for new perceptions and viewpoints, offer a chance to blend perspectives and attitudes.

And they still twist my guts into knots, which could be the reason why I'm 'too confrontational.' I want to get the misery over with so I bring the issue to a head and force it into the open. And I feel better about myself for taking my stand. The times in the past when I didn't - I felt worse. My guts weren't twisted, but I felt ashamed. I let myself down, and I let down people who may have needed me to take that stand.

I have friends. I have family. But I am alone. I learned a long time ago not to depend on others to defend me, no matter how much I wish they would. I learned not to expect people to stand beside me in a fight. They won't. I learned that for every one person willing to speak up there are at least 50 people who feel the same way but choose to remain silent.

So let me be 'too confrontational.' Let my voice speak up for those who, for their own reasons, choose to remain silent. Let my guts twist in a knot so someone else can feel that someone cares enough to try to protect them, look out for them.

Let me be me - let me choose what I stand for without making me defend it or feel guilty for having the courage and strength to make a stand. You can handle confrontations the way that best works for you - but please don't criticize or judge or tell me I'm wrong in how I choose to handle them. We all have different priorities and values, and how we handle confrontations is a reflection of that.