A Permanent Mark

Have you ever felt like you were just...marking time? That you should be doing something else, something more? That you should be contributing more to the greater good? That's there's more to life that your own little pocket? That you need to leave a permanent mark?

By permanent mark, I mean do something that outlives you, and has a lasting effect. You improve the world, little or large, by being who you are, or sharing your talent, or doing something that impacts and improves lives in some way. Some splash their mark for all the world to see. Some prefer to remain anonymous.

I feel like that a lot. It's that wish to contribute to the future and to leave the world a little better than it was which has always made teaching kind of a wishful thought of mine. It seems the ideal way to help the most people in a basic, fundamental way that will continue helping them throughout their lives.

So why haven't I actually become a teacher? Altruism is great, but the sad fact is that everyone has to make a living. Teacher's are poorly paid, they're handicapped by politics, and schools are becoming a dangerous place for everyone.

But, also - the doubts, scorn, and disbelief expressed by various people when I've mentioned teaching pretty much convinced me I couldn't do it. Even the encouragement and belief by others couldn't get the doubt out of me. Over the years that's happened a lot with various career choices I've considered. It happens even today.

There is one thing, though, that I've never heard "you can't do that" on. I've always had support and encouragement with my writing. I've spent 16 years first developing it, then allowing it atrophy, while I was Pern fandom. But writing is one thing I can do.

I've been to see several movies over the past couple of weeks, and St. Jude has been playing a new donations request. I don't earn enough money to make a real donation, but a thought occurred to me. There's a way to combine something I can do and with leaving a permanent mark. Why couldn't a write a book and donate a significant portion of the royalties to St. Jude?

There are a couple of hurdles, of course. Getting published, for one. I admit that I haven't seriously tried and the reason is because I'm afraid. I'm used to failing more often that succeeding, so I'm used to that disappoint. But I've never really tried something that was so important to me. Getting published has always been a dream, and dreams as safe things. They're the wishful one-day that, if you never actually try to reach for it, then you never really fail to attain it. You can keep believing that if you had really wanted to, you would have done it. But if you reach for the dream, and you fail...then there's no more lying or hiding. And with writing, and publishing - there's a lot of failing before you succeed.

So, I guess it really comes down to a question: Is the urge to leave a permanent mark greater than the fear of failure?