A Permanent Mark

Have you ever felt like you were just...marking time? That you should be doing something else, something more? That you should be contributing more to the greater good? That's there's more to life that your own little pocket? That you need to leave a permanent mark?

By permanent mark, I mean do something that outlives you, and has a lasting effect. You improve the world, little or large, by being who you are, or sharing your talent, or doing something that impacts and improves lives in some way. Some splash their mark for all the world to see. Some prefer to remain anonymous.

I feel like that a lot. It's that wish to contribute to the future and to leave the world a little better than it was which has always made teaching kind of a wishful thought of mine. It seems the ideal way to help the most people in a basic, fundamental way that will continue helping them throughout their lives.

So why haven't I actually become a teacher? Altruism is great, but the sad fact is that everyone has to make a living. Teacher's are poorly paid, they're handicapped by politics, and schools are becoming a dangerous place for everyone.

But, also - the doubts, scorn, and disbelief expressed by various people when I've mentioned teaching pretty much convinced me I couldn't do it. Even the encouragement and belief by others couldn't get the doubt out of me. Over the years that's happened a lot with various career choices I've considered. It happens even today.

There is one thing, though, that I've never heard "you can't do that" on. I've always had support and encouragement with my writing. I've spent 16 years first developing it, then allowing it atrophy, while I was Pern fandom. But writing is one thing I can do.

I've been to see several movies over the past couple of weeks, and St. Jude has been playing a new donations request. I don't earn enough money to make a real donation, but a thought occurred to me. There's a way to combine something I can do and with leaving a permanent mark. Why couldn't a write a book and donate a significant portion of the royalties to St. Jude?

There are a couple of hurdles, of course. Getting published, for one. I admit that I haven't seriously tried and the reason is because I'm afraid. I'm used to failing more often that succeeding, so I'm used to that disappoint. But I've never really tried something that was so important to me. Getting published has always been a dream, and dreams as safe things. They're the wishful one-day that, if you never actually try to reach for it, then you never really fail to attain it. You can keep believing that if you had really wanted to, you would have done it. But if you reach for the dream, and you fail...then there's no more lying or hiding. And with writing, and publishing - there's a lot of failing before you succeed.

So, I guess it really comes down to a question: Is the urge to leave a permanent mark greater than the fear of failure?

Holidays

In 32 short years, I've tried to approach the holidays several different ways. Spend them with friends. Spend them with strangers. Spend them alone. Ignore them altogether. Go home and spend the with family. When you're single and you live someplace where you don't have family, the holidays are difficult and depressing and it takes conscious, constant effort to not be depressed.

The ideal way to spend the holidays, I think most people would agree, is with family. Unfortunately it's not always possible. For me, this year, it's not possible. They're half a continent away and I just can't afford to go and they can't afford to bring me. So it'll be another holiday season alone - but this year, I'm going to honestly try to enjoy it and celebrate it in the spirit intended.

In the past, when I've spent the holiday alone and didn't ignore it, I was pretty depressed. I kept thinking of where I'd rather be and that put a damper on everything. The holidays should not be a depressing time!

The years that I ignored the holidays, at the time, was all right. It was still depressing because you can only ignore it so much. But - the year just didn't seem complete, or right. I didn't feel right. I have a friend who doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving in a traditional way, and pretty much ignores Christmas. I can understand why she does, and the logic behind her reasoning is sound. It works for her. But it's not right for me. I want my holidays.

Thanksgiving is a family tradition. There are certain recipes prepared for that meal that aren't made at any other time. It's a family event, a day that in my memories was always a guaranteed time that everyone would be together, and happy, and there would be good food and good times. For me, this year, I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving, alone, but in my family tradition. I'm going to bake a turkey, and sweet potato casserole with marshmallows, green bean casserole, dressing and rolls. I'm going to have pecan pie. And while it may feed me for a week, that's okay. :-) Leftovers are a Thanksgiving tradition. I'll skip the ham, though - there's no way I can manage to fit it in, so I'll save a little of the tradition for the together-with-family times.

Christmas will be more difficult to enjoy alone, but I'm going to try. I've bought presents this year. I know my family won't mind that I couldn't spend much money on them, and I started early. Each gift, however, was acquired with a lot of thought regarding the recipient and what would most suit them, what would make them smile, and what they would appreciate most. Well, except for Brookelyn. She's still too young to really care. :-) One Christmas tradition that I remember from my childhood are the Christmas lights. We wouldn't decorate ourselves, but when I was a kid my parents would pack us up in the car one night during the season and we'd drive around, looking at the Christmas lights others would put up. I always loved looking at them, so this year I'll do the Christmas lights tour myself. Maybe I'll ask a friend if she and her kids want to come with me.

I'll even wait until Christmas evening to open my gifts. Traditionally they'd be opened first thing in the morning, but I was rereading The Dark Is Rising last week and noticed that other than opening one gift in the morning, they waited until the evening to open the presents - kinda extending the anticipation and enjoyment of the day. So I'll try that this year, and have my family on the phone while I do it so I can share it with them.

Not celebrating Christmas has always bothered my mom. It made her sad, because Christmas is a very important holiday for her and it hurts her to know that I'm missing it. She's sending me a little tree this year and I've promised to put it up. She's also sending me a nativity. Maybe I'll do midnight mass this year. I haven't been to church in a while, but I know where a Catholic church is here, and I've always loved midnight mass. Maybe I'll make her really happy and try going to church on a regular basis, too. :-)

I love Christmas music. I love the decorated trees, the ornaments, and the very feel of the season. Not that it feels the same in California, what with the 'season' being t-shirt weather warm, but hey - nothing is perfect. :-)

One thing I don't love about Christmas: the stores are selling it before Halloween is over. That's just wrong. Each holiday has it's time and place and by shoving Christmas at us for a quarter of the year it cheapens and lessens the holiday. Other than buying gifts, I refuse to do anything at all Christmasy until after Thanksgiving. I refuse to think about Thanksgiving until after Halloween.

So here's to celebrating the holidays in a happy, cheerful, and positive mood!


Anna

Why Blog Now?

I have long held a dislike of blogs. I have good reason for that, too. Too often it's a used as a substitution for actually communicating with your friends in the give-and-take of a conversation. There's nothing private, or personal, or special about a blog. It's just a newsletter and it says, to me, that I am not a close enough or important enough or unique enough friend to someone to warrant speaking directly to.

I know this isn't how most people who use their blogs to share the current events in their life feel, and I don't hold it against them. But it's how I feel, and yes - I am insecure enough to feel that this is a tactful, discreet hint that I need to back off. So I back off, and when my friend(s) don't seem to notice, that tells me that my assumption was correct. I don't care any less for them, but at least I have the comfort of knowing I'm not pestering them and that when/if I do need them they won't be so irritated and tired of me that my phone call or email is unwelcome.

There's also the fact that a lot of the time I just don't have the time to read a dozen or so blogs and respond to them. In IM I can talk to my friends and do other things - like write, or work on homework, or IM with other people, or update lists, or whatever else I need to do. Hey, I'm a multi-tasker. It's what I do. :-)

So, with that said, why have I now decided to become a blogger?

Because blogging is excellent for one thing: sharing thoughts and ideas that you can't expound on in a conversation, but you just need to write down and share. You don't need a give and take in ideas or thoughts you have, and they seldom have reason to come up in conversation. But these beliefs are an integral part of a person and they deserve to be shared among friends and, yes, relatives. It's easy to know the surface of someone, but it's harder to really know the deeper part of a person. The opportunities to do that don't arise often.

So, now I hope to be a consistent blogger with ideas, thoughts, frustrations, rants, happiness, and a whole gamut of other things that I feel a need to write and share - but don't necessary need to have a whole, devoted conversation about - and which I won't know or be hurt when my friends don't read it, don't care to read it, or zone out before I've finished speaking. Yeah, folks, you can tell when someone you're speaking to stops listening. :-) When you stop talking in the middle of the sentence and they never notice it's pretty obvious. :-)

And that's why I choose to blog now. :-)